Reading One: Is 50:4-9a;
Responsorial Psalm: Ps 69:8-10, 21-22, 31 and 33-34 ;
Gospel: Mt 26:14-25;
go to this page (for all three sections listed above on one page) And here's an audio file; & reflections (video)
Today's readings are so powerful to me. Especially the first reading from Isaiah. How deeply these words are written into heart. And they are very comforting words when you find yourself in a place where others are disparaging you with harsh words.
In early February 2002 on Ash Wednesday. I arrived home and found a large packet in the mail. I recognized the name of the return address, because I knew the name of the man on the outside of the envelope. He had once done some work for me, in that instance - he was asked to defend me in a battle that was being waged against me. But in this case, the man's name on the outside of the envelope was not representing me, he was in an adversarial role. While I thought I knew what was inside, I was mistaken. The contents included all kinds of slanderous lies about me, and the words cut to the deepest part of my heart. A day or two later, my dad was kind to me, and explained that this is what those people do. That is what they are paid for. Don't take it personally.
But as I read the words for the first time, I feared that all kinds of terrible ramifications would unfold, making a difficult situation unbearable. Thank God in His kindness to me, that my fears were not realized. I was thankful however, knowing My Lord is with me. And that I was blessed to find safety in God's kindness, just as the psalm said thousands of years ago - blessed the man who takes refuge in the Lord. It was true for me. I had a rock to hold onto when the waves came crashing upon me.
As I continued to read the words in the big package, I became overwhelmed with the harsh words, fears of what might be and and got tears in my eyes. My neighbor saw me on the front step as she went to retrieve her mail, and came over to console me. She asked if everything was ok, and I said no. I shared with her the contents - and read some of the things that were said about me. It was so unfair. And I was filled with fear. Sorrow gushed into my soul.
And then the most bizarre thing happened. A pack... or I guess it would be a swarm, of termites flew over my head like a black cloud and began to search for any crack they could find to get into my house. On my front door! I mean there were thousands of them, and it was right over my head. While this might be really creepy to others, to me it was hilarious. I burst out laughing, held my hands up toward the sky as I addressed my sweet God. I asked God a simple question, not angry... but in a Jewish voice, Mel Brooks kind of way:
What - are we getting biblical here?And just laughed hysterically, I mean what was I supposed to do? My God knows me, He was there when He knit me in my mother's womb, and He knows when I sit, and when I stand. I knew, God knew me... & that He knew, I would find it hilarious. So, I told my neighbor that there will be plenty of time to feel sorrow, but right now I had to go to Lowes hardware, get some chemicals from Elizabeth, New Jersey, and TCB (that's Take care of business to all those unfamiliar with Aretha Franklin's R-E-S-P-E-C-T). So I went to Lowes, and all I could think about was how odd it was, the timing so impeccable, and how I had never seen anything like it before. I was thankful. HA!
At the same time in 2002, I was in the middle of becoming a Catholic, and I was going to the RCIA classes since August. Before this all happened, I began going to daily mass, and always folded my hands to receive a blessing from the priest. Each day during mass, there was part during the mass that was so special to me for some unknown reason.
Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.For me, that was my moment in mass when I received God's grace. I also felt blessed by the priest's blessing, but those words cut so deeply inside me, I will never forget power of that one sentence. Years later I learned what Jesus had to say about those words, and felt further blessed.
Well, it was about 10 days later, after I received the divine love swarm of termites, which all perished under the toxic Jersey chemicals I purchased from Lowes that day. Ten days later, I was asked to meet with the priest after mass, who told me I have bad news for you. I wondered what have I done now? Yes, I have done some stupid things in my life, in truth, too many to list, but I was changing fast. Honestly, I was feeling like I was being cleansed of all my sinfulness. Turning from blood red, to beautiful white. I couldn't think of anything I had done, so I wondered what the bad news was. He shared with me, with a very sad face - that I could not become a Catholic with the rest of my RCIA class, because of some issues on my RCIA application. He apologized that he did not see it earlier and was very gentle and loving about it.
For some people, that would have been it. It is over, bye bye Catholicism. But I remembered my special time in mass, when I said those words. That powerful sentence that reassured me, that God was there for me. I told the priest it was ok, I understood, and learned something wonderful about obedience before God, and obedience to the church. I did not know it at the time, but I learned God would make things right, and bless me beyond what words might convey, for being a gentle lamb.
A few weeks later, the same priest again called me into his office after mass. For those two weeks, I was not allowed to receive, or share in this divine food and drink. Furthermore, I was led to believe that I would not be allowed to share bread at the table of God, for a long long, time. People had told me it usually takes years to clear up such things. Again... more fears that would not come to pass. The priest told me, that in my case he was able to apply existing Canonical Law in a way that provided me a loophole of sorts. Hooray, Perry Mason of Canonical Law to the rescue! It is too crazy to share, and somewhat ironic as well - but I remember I was so happy to hear the good news. I would be blessed to eat this divine food and drink, the body and blood of Jesus at Easter. Oh how thankful I was. God is great.
It was during that two week window - when I was not sure if I would ever be allowed to become a Catholic - that I heard the words of Isaiah for the first time. Perhaps I heard them before, but at this time - my heart was ready to actually hear the words. The seeds finally fell on fertile ground. And the words provide great comfort. Just hang in there.
The Lord GOD has given me
a well-trained tongue,
That I might know how to speak to the weary
a word that will rouse them.
Morning after morning
he opens my ear that I may hear;
And I have not rebelled,
have not turned back.
I gave my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who plucked my beard;
My face I did not shield
from buffets and spitting.
The Lord GOD is my help,
therefore I am not disgraced;
I have set my face like flint,
knowing that I shall not be put to shame.
He is near who upholds my right;
if anyone wishes to oppose me,
let us appear together.
Who disputes my right?
Let him confront me.
See, the Lord GOD is my help;
who will prove me wrong?
The words were of course speaking about Jesus, and the suffering He would endure as part of His passion and death. And they are comforting words to anyone in the middle of tough times, especially if you find yourself filled with fears of what might happen. Often times, it is the fear that is the hardest part to bear of a difficult situation, and it is such a blessing to know where to find refuge.
About five years later, I shared this passage from Isaiah with a dear, sweet girl who poured her heart out to me. And she shared her sorrow with total openness, and I hoped my listening was helpful as I tried to assuage her concerns about what others might think or say. For some reason - those words from Isaiah came back to me in a tidal rush, and I hoped and prayed they would bring her comfort in her trials, just as the words comforted me, many years before. I found a Bible and shared them with her. So many times in life, we are able to help each other out, just by listening. And if you find yourself at a loss for words, or what to say - the Bible has many comforting words that will usually say it better than I can.
Here's a song that comes to mind, sung by friends I love like family. The young people singing this song, recorded the track for their Grandmother, who always loved the Guardian Angel Prayer. I share all this, so that you might come to believe, if God is there for this poor crazy man, He most certainly is there for you too. It is my deepest hope that by repeating Isaiah's inspired words, which were said to herald Jesus' coming in the future, that these might bring comfort to the weary, just as they did for me when I was finally ready to listen closely.
